


Death of a Bachelor

by cecilkirk



Series: fic prompts [6]
Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, F/M, Post-Split, Ryden, this was supposed to be fluff but that didn't happen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-06
Updated: 2016-03-06
Packaged: 2018-05-25 00:25:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6172690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cecilkirk/pseuds/cecilkirk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan attends Brendon's wedding. He doesn't want to become a shadow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Death of a Bachelor

Throughout the ceremony Ryan thought only of memories.

He watched Brendon beaming and laughing and even crying a little. He knew Brendon was making his own memories, and he knew old ones would be left behind. Not all of them, of course, but only the ones that became irrelevant and unimportant in light of finding the love of his life.

With every look Brendon gave him, he could almost feel himself fade more and more into a shadow in Brendon's mind.

And that was to be expected. Ryan knew he wasn't the center of Brendon's affection anymore. Sometimes he doubted if he ever really had been--truly, completely, totally--but he knows the looks he gives Sarah, and he knows they aren't unfamiliar. He knows they'd been flashed in his direction at one point, but never to that depth. He'd never meant that much to Brendon.

From his seat at the reception, he watches the two laugh easily together at their table. He doesn't remember what Brendon's toast is comprised of, but he knows he tried his best not to catch Brendon's eye. It's harder than he'd expected.

He is happy for Brendon. He's absolutely ecstatic, somewhere, somewhere. Right now it was buried by other, uglier things he was ashamed for feeling and for giving life, but he knew that ultimately, he was happy for Brendon. He really was. Even if he felt nauseous as they exchanged rings, even if he chewed the inside of his cheek as he watched them kiss, even if he walked out in the middle of their first dance.

Somewhere, somewhere, he was happy. He stands outside, facing away from everyone and quickly wipes his face. He was happy. He was.

Eventually he composes himself and heads back in, and even lets himself have a good time with friends he hasn't seen in years and people he doesn't know. The hours pass and he makes a few memories. He knows they'll be fleeting and ephemeral, but they're something to hold onto for now. Something to keep him feeling completely forgotten.

And as people begin to return home, Ryan finds himself one of the last to leave. It is with an embarrassingly heavy heart and leaden feet that he makes his way to his car, but a voice makes him stop.

"Hey!" Brendon says, jogging toward him. "Heading out without a goodbye, Ryan?"

Ryan clenches his jaw at the sound of his name back in Brendon's voice. It didn't sound the same as it once had. It had been replaced by another. "Yeah, I guess, sorry," he stammers. "Just--it's getting late, gotta get home."

"Oh, okay," Brendon says slowly. "Thanks for coming, Ryan. It really means a lot."

Ryan can't bring his head up to meet Brendon's eyes. "No problem."

"It was good seeing you," Brendon offers, but it doesn't untie the knots made of Ryan's stomach.

"Yeah, yeah," Ryan says. "Good seeing you too. I'm really happy for you."

Brendon grins, but Ryan doesn't see it. "Thank you."

Cool, thin night air rushes between them through a flimsy wind. It feels like it pushes them further apart. Ryan hears Brendon begin to leave, and he knows this is a moment of finality. He might never see Brendon again, and if he does, perhaps never alone, perhaps never getting the unique opportunity this exact moment held for him.

"Hey, Brendon," he says. The name feels bittersweet and newly hollow. "You--you and Sarah reinvented love."

He looks up, and Brendon is staring back. They both search and find in each other's eyes every syllable they can't bear to speak but still hums true. Even when left to the past, it'll never really fade away. 

Brendon grins shyly at this, turning away briefly. "I hope you find someone worth your time, Ryan. You deserve it."

Ryan ruminates over this as he watches Brendon walk away.

He knows it's not a dig at him, but rather a dig at himself. It was the implication that Brendon hadn't deserved Ryan, and he doesn't know how at peace it puts him. But he knows he's happy for Brendon. Really, truly, deeply he does, regardless of what emotions hum bright and electric at the moment. Somehow they both had known they would never last, but they also knew now that your first love is something you can never forget.

Ryan climbs into his car, beginning his drive home. He feared Brendon would replace every iota of their relationship, but he knew he was wrong. He knew now they both had matured, and Brendon now knew where a healthy place to put his love was. Ryan realized he'd never be a shadow to Brendon, just as Brendon could never be a shadow in Ryan's life. They had meant too much to each other for too long, and even though the feelings had faded, the history never could. 

Ryan readjusts his rearview mirror, smirking at himself. He could always look back. There would always be something behind him to find and cherish.


End file.
